Intimate Partner Violence: How do we ask the right questions and support survivors?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I have worked in the field of social work for the past 22 years and spent most of that time in the realm of family violence.  The fact that 1 in 3 women have experienced severe domestic violence does not feel like an exaggeration to me.  Nearly 20 people per minute are abused by an intimate partner in the United States. 

In my work in this field, it has felt like we are constantly asking the wrong question.  We are asking the victim of domestic violence, “Why do you stay?” instead of asking the perpetrator of domestic violence, “Why does he do that?”  Let’s also ask, “How do we help her?”  Some of you may be wondering why I use ‘he’ as the perpetrator and ‘she’ as the victim.  It is not that we believe there are not female perpetrators and male victims, but it is estimated that from 1994-2010, 4 out of 5 victims were female. Because of the statistics, I will stick with those pronouns throughout this blog.

We know why she stays.  Every one of us has something or someone that means more to us than anything.  Imagine that thing or person being threatened if you left a marriage or relationship.  What would you do?  I would stay.

·      She stays for her kids.  Statistics tell us that her kids are the number one reason that she stays and ultimately the number one reason why she leaves. 

·      She stays because of her faith. Although there are some wonderful churches in our area, as I continue to work with women in domestic violence situations, many tell me that they stay because their church told her to be more submissive or to pray harder and the abuse would stop. The message built into this is clear: the abuse is your fault. It’s up to you to make it stop.

·      She stays because he has financial control and he convinced her to stop working long ago.  Financial abuse happens in 99% of domestic violence cases.

·      She stays because she has no support because he isolated her from everyone close to her, making him both the perpetrator and the savior.

·      She stays because the friends she does still have are tired of hearing her complain about her abusive partner and then go back. Statistics say that on average a woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship seven times before she can leave for good and this can be frustrating for friends and family. 

·      She stays because she is afraid of him and what he might do to her if she leaves.  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence tells us that abusers repeatedly go to extremes to prevent the victim from leaving. In fact, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence. One study found in interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder.

There are many myths about why he is abusive: 

·      He grew up in a home where there was domestic violence and his violence was a learned behavior.  In fact, many people grow up in violent homes and don’t abuse their partners as adults.  Studies show that only one third of domestic violence perpetrators grew up in violent homes.

·      He is mentally ill.  In reality, only 15.1% of police recorded domestic violence events report that the perpetrator has a mental health diagnosis.

·      He has an anger management problem.  Domestic violence is about power and control, not anger.  If he had an anger management problem, he would punch the law enforcement officer in the face when he gets pulled over, not be a deacon at his church and coaching his kids’ soccer teams.

·      He was drunk or using drugs.  What we know is that drugs and alcohol exacerbate domestic violence, not cause it. 

The real reason that he is abusive is that he CAN be abusive and it gets him what he wants.

I want to go back to two of the bolded reasons above that she stays.  This feels like something that we can all do something about. We all have an aunt, a best friend, a sister, or a coworker who is in an abusive relationship. 

What is the best way to support her?

My experience as a therapist, a friend, a cousin, and a coworker has taught me to conceptualize my loved one leaving an abusive relationship via The Transtheoretical Model of Change that was originally created by DiClemente and Prochaska for the cessation of smoking.  It turns out that we can use the Stages of Change for any decision-making process. 

In this six-stage model, we want it to be linear, but the truth is that it is not!

In Stage 1, Precontemplation, she is not aware there is a problem and is not interested in change.  In this stage, as her support, the best thing you can do is be there for her.  You may be hearing things that make you question if there is abuse happening.  As a trusted friend, if she knows she can count on you, she is more likely to reach out later. 

In Stage 2, Contemplation, she begins to consider if there is something wrong in her relationship.  She may call the abuse “fighting” and may test the waters with support systems, sharing some information about the “fighting,” but not the whole story.  At this point, as her support, you can reflect to her how hard that must be and help her establish what pros and cons might be for the relationship.

In Stage 3, Preparation, she has decided there is a problem and wants to make a plan to do something about it. Sometimes that includes leaving.  It is important that you, as her support, help her think of a safe plan that includes lots of preparation.  It is great in this stage to connect her to resources such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline website where she can learn about safety planning as well as finding a therapist in her area.

In Stage 4, Action, she has a plan and is putting it into action.  Your support is so important here as well as helping her broaden her supportive circle that may have suffered while she was in the abusive relationship.

In Stage 5, the Maintenance Stage, she continues to maintain the progress she has made and adapts things as is necessary.  Hang in there with her!  She may have left an abusive relationship, but depending on her situation, may potentially has a long way to go in fighting for custody or bogus CPS reports that he has made.  She is having to potentially coparent with the abusive partner and this is exhausting and scary for her. 

Finally, in the Relapse Stage, she may go back.  She wanted the abuse to stop but things are still hard when women leave abusive relationships, and he may manipulate her or threaten her.  Women have a 90% greater chance of being killed when they leave an abusive relationship where there has been physical violence.  She needs to know that you care about her and support her even if she goes back.

I do want to give one caveat regarding your role as a supporter.  There are three main lethality predictors when it comes to domestic violence while in the relationship:  threats to kill, strangulation or the use or access to weapons.  If any of these come up in conversation, urge her to call professionals immediately.  There are many of us in private practice that are experts in domestic violence and Genesis Women’s Shelter and Support provides free services to women and children affected by domestic violence. You don’t have to provide support alone and she doesn’t have to feel alone in this process. We are here to help.

Until we see you,

Kelly & The Haven Team

References:

Alcoholism and Domestic Abuse: Finding help - Alcohol Rehab guide. (2023, April 20). Alcohol Rehab Guide. https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/crimes/domestic-abuse/

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. http://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA65179026

Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023, April 27). The Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/

Karystianis, G., Simpson, A., Adily, A., Schofield, P. R., Greenberg, D. M., Wand, H., Nenadić, G., & Butler, T. (2020). Prevalence of mental illnesses in domestic violence Police records: Text mining study. Journal of Medical Internet Research, 22(12), e23725. https://doi.org/10.2196/23725

National Network to End Domestic Violence. (2023, March 27). Learn more about Financial Abuse. NNEDV. https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

Goleman, D. (1989, January 24). Sad Legacy Of Abuse: The Search For Remedies. The New York Times. https://nytimes.com/1989/01/24/science/sad-legacy-of-abuse-the-search-for-remedies.html#:~:text=Studies%20also%20now%20indicate%20that,childhood%20will%20become%20abusers%20themselves

NCADV | National Coalition against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS

Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change model for Social workers. (2021, May 11). Yeshiva. https://online.yu.edu/wurzweiler/blog/prochaska-and-diclementes-stages-of-change-model-for-social-workers#:~:text=Five%20official%20stages%20are%20described,inevitable%20in%20the%20change%20process

Stages of change. (n.d.). https://www.genesisshelter.org/stages-of-change/

Vpfw. (2022). Why It Takes Women 7 Attempts To Leave An Abusive Relationship – And How You Can Help. Virginia Physicians for Women. https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/